92 THE NEW BARKER www.TheNewBarker.com Life from a Dog’s Perspective is a series written exclusively for The New Barker by Guinness, the Pembroke Welsh Corgi, as told to his hooman, Lon Martin. Photograph of Guinness by Lon Martin. life from a dog’s perspective. U Digging at the Prose and Cons –by Lon Martin and Guinness So, my AARF card got me a membership in the Dog Pawit’s Society…a brainy bunch of canines with a pen- chant for telling tall tails and chewing through good books! Well, every Friday we have a challenge: read something that is super creepy. I mean, could scare-the- fur-off-your-bum-in-the- mid- dle-of-the-night kind of scary. So we decided to start with some “litter-ture” – fiction from a feline perspective. Talk about a pet peeve. I didn’t feel the puppy love, that’s for sure. Final verdict: two paws down. After gnawing on all these books, I dug up some FAKE NOUS being spread about us canines, and nobody is yapping about it. Mom told me they are called idioms.That’s kinda harsh, but if they don’t want to be called idioms they should be more responsible. My pawsonal dog-ma aside, these were the ones worth barking about: Dog Eat Dog World: An obvious typo.This was supposed to be Dog MEETS Dog World. Let Sleeping Dogs Lie: Now, that’s a lie.We tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth, so help me dog. So you can scratch that idea right now! Raining Cats & Dogs: Can’t happen. We had a meeting. Pick one – we’re not both showing up for this. All Bark and No Bite: No bite? Bite of what? Bacon? That’s what’s coming to mind here. Yes. Definitely, bacon. No bite? CHOMP! This Dog Don’t Hunt: Obviously cat propaganda. Dogs can raise our power-snouts in the air, perk our ears and paw the ground – and the hunt is ON! Look at us. We are genetically engineered to track down the faintest scent and bag our kill from petrified lizards to yummy morsels of hooman food lodged somewhere under the fridge. BAM! Can’t Teach Old Dogs New Tricks: Okay, so this one is all about throwing shade, right? ‘Cause for a side of smoked bacon, I’ll do any trick you want. In the fluff! Besides, who are you calling an old dog, anyways? Not cool, bud. Not cool at all. Aaaand the pick of the litter: A Dog is Man’s Best Friend: Finally, one that makes sense. There’s a reason we are Man’s Best Friend. They can blame anything they want on us, and no matter what, we somehow end up looking completely guilty. Dad uses a big word “flatulence” to try and sound all sophisticated about it. Mom just rolls her eyes. But he knows. And so do I. And we both have a good snicker about it when she leaves the room (which is usually quite quickly). High Paw! Daddy knows he can wag the dog any time he wants. I’ve got no dog in the fight.